The First Breathing

The pounding of her heart echoed in her head. The last breath to ever breathe freely now past. It was over, all things ceasing to be in an instant of fatal transformation. She yearned for silence in which to sink her aching head.

Drawing the light of the morning sun around her like a shawl, she moved in the direction of where she thought she would in just a few moments, spin into an eternal spiraling star of joyful unity with her One. Her One. Her Beloved. Named Beloved, and returning that name to her in gratitude at finding where their hearts had always longed to be. They had written this moment for so very long, every detail, every hope, every possibility was prepared and saturated the air she had just finished breathing.

She sank into the sand; bare feet, bare legs, her hair falling out of its soft braid, clinging now to her silent skin. It was the first breathing of her life without her One. A handful of unrestrained joy slipped from her fingers as she let go. No mourning dance. No salt-laced tears. Just gone.

When your entire life has waited for a moment of flawless air to breathe; of grace that will unravel the all-surrounding pain; you are doomed to wait alone and to breathe the wrong air and dream the wrong dreams. Colors are not real until that moment of fate, when the finale encore has been danced. And you will not find yourself until you let go… of endless hoping and dreaming and believing.

The first breathing after the sun burns cold is the real one. In it is the past and future and the eternal momentum. You will not find it by looking; only by letting go.

"Release me," she says to the sand. She looks at the colors of the petals that she had clung to in belief of unity’s possibility just a moment before, then she straightens her spine, holds her head erect, and steps ahead.

Childhood Charms

Precious sister
you gave to me the center of my heart.

Born on a below zero day.
I sat in the car with daddy waiting.
I had no idea how much I needed
you.

Playmate of school, Barbies and
Little People,
bicycles and iceskates,
shared sweaters but never shared shoes.

You were the
Companion of my imagination and
my whispy-haired friend.
I always loved you.

Like charms on my bracelet and yours:

You were pianos and carefulness,
crazy concoctions and
sturdy things that made a difference.
I was carousels and trees.
Incongruousness, difficult,
and hard to pin down.

But one thing was constant
throughout my life to yours,
I could never have loved you more.

I should have told you before
of my gratitude for your charm.
Children don't need to say,
they just know.

But time has unwoven us,
and I now tell you in imperfect words.
You were my gentle light.
You gave me a reason to feel love.

You gave me giggles and stories,
and protectiveness that you hated.
You gave me someone to adore.

It was so easy to cherish you,
little sister,
and to want the best for you.

Like charms on my bracelet and yours:
hearts, and happiness and love.